I stayed in jobs that made me miserable or worked me so hard I was exhausted. I struggled to find the time to do the things I truly wanted to do. I kept myself in check, secretly believing I wasn't good enough to be one of those special ones - the ones who get to do what they love.
It struck a chord.
I haven't won the lottery. I have yet to find out if I have what it takes to make a living from what I love. But I've taken a leap of faith.
I've turned my back on the chains of the 9-5. I've stepped out of the rat race and devoted myself to a more creative life. Finally, I'm doing what I've been saying and dreaming of doing for the last fourteen years. I'm writing. Everyday. It's flowing. It may be a load of c$%p! It may never be read by anyone except my partner and my mother. But a novel is being written and I'm loving writing it.
"You cannot control the outcome, only influence the presence." These words have helped me take a shift in perspective. I am giving myself the time and space to connect with the stillness inside of me. To find that voice and write from a place of inspiration, rather than desperation. And I have to tell you, it's feels good. Now, I am writing and creating the book I want to write. The book that's coming from deep within me.
It turns out all I had to do to escape that life of dull servitude was decide not to live it anymore. The things I thought I needed, I thought were important - actually weren't that hard to let go of.
Of course I still need to eat. I need somewhere to live. I need the comforts of heating and social excursions. So money is required. But money can be acquired, without the stress and strain of living a lie. I don't know where my next paycheque will come from. I have no guarantees and yet I am the happiest I have been in a long, long time.
It is a leap of faith, which may lead to a spectacular fall - but it won't be terminal. And you never know... I just might fly!
And if you're thinking of taking a leap of faith yourself - I highly recommend it.
Do it with your eyes open and by minimising the risk.
Do it as an act of love for yourself.
Do it to break the lies.
Do it to feel alive.